I’m sitting on my living room floor in front of a blank white page and a cursor blinking more quickly than normal it feels. I have a thousand thoughts running through my head. I have been inspired by many things in my life and I really feel like the right things present themselves at precisely the right times. I have never been a quitter but I am honest in saying sometimes it just gets really hard.
Today I started reading a book called I Am That Girl by Alexis Jones. I’ve had the book since March but it wasn’t until today that I decided to dust it off and crack it open. I didn’t start reading it today for any specific reason and I didn’t have any expectations. I just wanted to see what the hype was all about. I recently met two beautiful amazing women, Lindsey and Kate, who are involved in the “I Am That Girl” Movement. I wanted to read it because I’ve only been around these two for a short time, yet I feel that I have a good sense of the kind of woman each of them is. If they support this, then there must be something great about it.
So as I laid out by the pool in a desperate attempt to get some kind of color and escape my usual daily routine, I began reading this book.
For the past week, I have been talking to my husband about going back to school and getting my teaching credential. I’ve given my business everything I have for the past 5 years and although it has progressed it is no where near where I thought it would be. I’ve had great support but not enough success. I was ready to put it on the back burner while I worked towards a “real job.” “If I can’t run Proud & Pretty in Pink I guess I could be happy teaching,” is what I told my husband and myself. But the truth is, I can’t teach the things I want to teach and I can’t teach them the way I want to teach them in a classroom setting. My passion for body image, self-esteem and sex education goes beyond what is talked about in classrooms and on tv. It comes from a place of pain and experience. I can’t share those experiences in a regular classroom. I can’t be as creative as I am under Proud & Pretty in Pink. I can’t listen to and talk with the girls the way I do in our programs and in our workshops. This has been my life for 5 years and I was just about to put it aside for a little more money, validation and security.
I’m crying as I write this because I am disappointed in myself. But once I am done writing this blog, I will let it go and once again move forward with what I set out to do years ago. I’ve only read the first chapter of this book but already it has been so impactful. I am a lover and a believer in words. I feel strongly that they can change your life. And I think a few of Alexis Jones’s words have brought me back to a place that I strayed from. I could relate so much to these specific words, “After realizing my passion, I had so many temptations that could easily have taken me off course. Whether it was other professions offering more money, security, prestige, or flat-out present an easier path, I had to choose to not give up on my passion. It’s not easy to be driven by passion, it’s exhausting and at times feels hopeless. There are days I wonder why I didn’t take the easy road, why I’m fighting so hard to make a difference in the world while others just get to clock in and collect a paycheck.”
These words describe the inner battle I have with myself too often. I want to educate girls on the things that are affecting their lives yet so many are choosing to ignore. The things that every single girl will deal with at some point in their lives yet history, math and science come before these subjects. I want them to have a place and a family that they know is theirs forever, not just for a semester. I want them to feel like they have a friend and a mentor. Someone who has experienced many of the things they have or will experience. Someone who can provide the right person to talk to for any of life’s tragedies. That is what I want to do and what I’ve worked so hard to accomplish. And I have found such satisfaction in what I have been able to do for the girls I have worked with up until now. Many of these girls are a big part of my life and I couldn’t imagine my life without them. From the ones I see monthly to the ones I interact with on social media, they all play a role in my life and in what Proud & Pretty in Pink is all about.
So I am happy to say that I’m back on track and I thank Alexis Jones and I Am That Girl for helping me back this time. I had no problem finding my passion but there are weak moments when I think it’s just not enough.
Read this book or look for it in other places but find the motivation you need in order to continue to fight for your dreams.